Wednesday, 29 February 2012

The Software Problem

It's been a while since a post ... I've had a bit of a software problem.

It all began on the 7th February, the day I planned to visit Izzy's grave and the day I planned to receive a womb blessing attunement, which yes I knew may present me with a few problems, but knew, however hard, the healing and insight would be worth it. I was really looking forward to the goddess energy pouring in and connecting with my sisters worldwide.

I woke up though at 4am and attempted to get out of bed. I felt that my left foot was all numb and a bit tingly but didn't really think of it so much. As I shifted my whole weight onto it to take a step forward the entire leg s-bended like a pile of jelly without bones to the floor. My foot went over with a loud crack and in extreme pain I hauled my self back to bed. I suffered a little incontinence around 6am and an hour later had called for help to get to A&E. By the time help arrive I realised my left leg was actually paralysed. It seemed that this was what had caused the fall.

To cut a long story short, a day trip to the hospital and an x-ray, MRI scan, blood tests and physical tests revealed no break, but damage to cause a few months of pain and limited foot and leg use, and a diagnosis of stress related Functional Neurological Disorder.

It was explained to me that there was no hardware damage to the spinal cord or nerves but for some reason a few things had malfunctioned. I apparently have software problem, probably caused by overload to the system.

I'm relieved that it's not worse. The tests did show that the paralysis affected the whole left leg and across my abdomen and buttocks. By the evening I was able to move my toes again. Over the coming days I regained movement in my foot and legs. Friends rallied with healing energies and a huge leap forward, excuse the pun, came minutes after the Mahamrityunjaya was chanted 108 times at a healing mantra circle where my name had been added in to benefit from the group. It was literally a "hallelujah throw away the crutches moment" as I put weight on my left leg for the first time.

So I've been relying on dear family and wonderful friends to bring me my shopping and do all sorts of things for me. I'm blessed and grateful to have them all. I've been forced to put my feet up and have a time of reflection and realisation. I've been offline as it were. Just sat slowly fixing my software problem and trying to accept my dodgy wiring. I have managed to hobble to a few new places in the outer world and I've found a few new spaces within. There have been things I've not been giving myself time to sort out or to face within, so I guess I gave myself time.

It was interesting that it was my left leg that was the problem and that is always about moving forward in the Feminine energy. As one dedicated to the service of the Goddess that gave me rather a lot to ponder on, I can tell you, especially in light of the extra feminine moon energy I had planned to pull in that day. I realised there were things I still was doing that weren't giving me the time to really move forward with the path I have chosen and there were decisions that I had been agonising over for a long time that I literally felt too paralysed to make. The Goddess, in her wisdom and tough love, made look at myself and decide whether I really wanted to up my game. So I have spent some time deciding how to be more single minded with regard to my goals and realising there is only one of me and I can't, with all the determination in the world, do it all.

Sometimes the path is harder than we wish it to be, but often when we look it is exactly what we asked for. So I've acquired, temporarily I hope, a limp and am wending my way on down my road with my own unique gait and with more focus and integrity than before.

The Dreadess xx

Saturday, 4 February 2012

The Mothering

This week is up there with one of my most challenging ever as a mother. I am mum to two amazing children, my gorgeous son who is twelve and my beautiful daughter who sadly passed away. Today is her fifth birthday and today is also the day my boy has a matinee and evening performance of his dance school's annual show. Tomorrow another performance.

This week I have been helping with a few costumes, driving my son backwards and forwards to classes and rehearsals and contemplating life without and what would have been with my daughter. I'm having to put a lot of emotion on hold. My son had a complete melt down on Friday and I had to pull out one of my toughest mummy speeches ever. I told him we had to just stuff all the sad, overwhelming feelings somewhere for a while to get through the next few days. I explained that, whilst I wasn't telling him to deny his feelings, sometimes to get through what needs to be done there and then you just have to hold them off till you get space to really be with them and allow them flow fully. Another loss mum coined the phrase "parking" your emotions for a while. I reassured him I was parking my feelings to be able to support him that weekend and come Monday I was going to have my meltdown. I figure that if Izzy was alive, she too would have been in the show, her birthday would have been swamped by the whole thing and we would have probably been doing birthday things on Monday in celebration instead.

So this morning I've sewn on one pair of ballet shoe elastics at the last minute and spent the whole time wishing it was two pairs.

I stayed at home today, I'm going to see the show tomorrow and so looking forward to it, as I do every year. I'm cheering my son on from here, hoping he remembers every single step and to smile his gorgeous smile. I'm thinking of my girl. I lit a candle and held her in my heart, renumbering every hair on her head.

Good luck Myster C and Birthday Blissings Isadora ... today I'm deep in the agonies and the ecstasies of my mothering.

The Dreadess xx

Wednesday, 1 February 2012

I Accept The Sorrow And The Joy

In truth I struggled this evening in my yoga class when we did a flow related to letting go of what we no longer need, accepting our lessons and aligning ourselves with divine will. Emotions flowed turbulent beneath the surface threatening to well up and over my suddenly thin veneer of calm.

Acceptance has been a hard thing to cultivate during these past few years, but let go and accept is what I have managed for the most part. Today though on 1st February, festival of Imbolc, the coming of the maiden, five years ago was Izzy's due date and there is always the if only she had come on time. If only is something I've lived with from many perspectives these last years. At this time of year the if only's are harder to accept and let go of.

On the whole, I do accept my weakened, yet strengthened state of being. I have let go of so much, whilst holding on and walking forward. I try to align myself with the forward momentum of life itself, understanding that I am far too small to see the big picture. I'm often reminded of these words of Rumi ...

“Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.”

Izzy's death didn't just sweep me clean, my very foundations were ripped away, I had to pick the remains of my life out of the rubble and build a brand new house. New joy did come in eventually filling the cavern carved out by grief. A hole big enough to even contain moments of bliss. I can't explain it, but the extremity of my pain and loss expanded my capacity to appreciate and find pleasure in this gift of life. The renewed happiness and peace only came after a measure of acceptance though and the acceptance I had to really work on.

So this evening I'm just accepting that this hurts and that the extent of my pain is as deep as my love. I also accept that my joy has not gone for good and if I allow it to it will once more root deep and flourish. I've let go of thinking I should be happy every second of the day and accept that I am what I am and I feel what I feel, even in the middle of my yoga class.

The Dreadess xx